Dear Diane Column — April 9, 2011

Dear Diane,

My husband of 4 years seems romantic, but sometimes does some weird things.  This year for Valentine’s Day, he arrived home after work with a single stem orange variegated rose. Not a color I would have ever chosen. I had cooked his favorite lamb chop meal and set a romantic table, thus placed the rose in a vase and centered on our table. All through dinner while he told me how beautiful I looked and how great the meal tasted, I kept thinking he was going to hand me a little gift to accompany the single rose. He sweetly acknowledged the small gifts I bought him, but as we got ready for bed, I decided to prod in case he had forgotten to give me my gift. I asked “What is the significance of this particular orange rose?” to which he responded. “Actually nothing. I bought a dozen this morning and let the girls at the office each choose one, and this is what was left.”  It was all I could do to keep from crying, as he thanked me for his favorite meal and said what a wonderful Valentine’s it had been. Not only had he not bought me anything special, I got what other women he works with failed to select. He seemed to think nothing of this, but it’s been bugging me like crazy. He has many quirks that I overlook because he’s usually so wonderful to me. Still, I felt this was a bit mean spirited. Your thoughts?

Lola in Denver

Dear Lola,

I TRULY feel for you. While most of us fantasize of a perfect Valentine’s gift, many men seem to have a mental block when it comes to this romantic day. Your hubby saw that a rose was a gesture that worked on the girls at the office, so why not you? He’s not mean, just clueless.

You said that your husband treats you with care and has many good qualities, so he sounds like a winner. The real test of a man’s love is not through his protestations of adoration. The test is to look at the way he treats you every day. I feel that your husband loves you very much, but still needs a bit of direction from you.

Hints don’t tend to work well on men, so why not be very direct? Let him know how much you enjoy spending Valentines with him, but give the option of several things to do. Point out a gift or token that would be meaningful for you. Mention that he’s in charge of picking a romantic dinner destination. Be clear about how much it means to you to feel special. If you must, take him shopping and point out the earrings that would make a perfect gift for you. Don’t be shy about communicating. When he gets it right, praise him to the skies. After a few more holidays, he’ll have it down pat. Congratulations on finding a good man!

Diane

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Dear Diane,

I’m still waiting for acceptance into college, and I’m getting really worried. Some of my friends have known for a while, but I still have no idea where I’m going, or (gulp) IF I’m going. I got my applications out a bit late, but I should know something. Until now I wasn’t worried, but now it’s getting too close for comfort. Any hope? Thanks!

Allen

Dear Allen,

Good news! I feel two different schools will accept you, but one of them will have you on a waiting list. This is nothing to worry about, as I see you going to this school next year. While you will start out in engineering, you are also a gifted teacher. Stay open to new possibilities. Best of luck!

Diane

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Dear Diane,

I’ve had the same man in my life for a long time, and I’m very much in love with him. He says that we are just friends, but I feel deep down he’s just afraid of love. He told me he doesn’t feel a sexual attraction to me, but I think he’s just saying that because he’s scared. I think he knows deep down that we should be together. Please give me hope.

D. L.

Dear D. L.,

It hurts when someone we love feels differently about us, but this man is not for you. While I see that he enjoys your supportive energy and caring, he doesn’t honor you for being the amazing woman that you are. I know you asked for hope, so here it is:

Stop seeing yourself as someone who has to wait around to be appreciated. You are stuck in a pattern of waiting for love, and waiting is getting you nowhere. Ask your friends to remind you of how special you are, and believe what they say. If you are ready for love to find you, then it’s time to love yourself.  Be open to those who are drawn to your light. I see wonderful things coming from this!

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