Dear Diane Column — June 4, 2011

Dear Diane,

I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. We hardly see each other and it is getting worse. He says he loves me, but it is always some excuse. He says to be patient but I am running out. We live over an hour away from each other and he works long hours. When we met he was having problems with an ex so it was sometimes broken dates because he didn’t want me there. She does have a history of assaults and he was afraid for me. He finally got a restraining order and told me I was welcome anytime to his house. Then his father died. Family came from out of state for the funeral and stayed. A lot of his family are not nice people and so he would not let me come over.
One of his friends told me they are bad, alcoholics, drug addicts, in and out of jail, etc. Since his father died he takes them all in and doesn’t want me around. He works all week, races on weekends, or has his kids and the younger boy doesn’t want me around because he wants his father to himself. His daughter’s mother—who has severe mental problems; suicidal, vindictive, etc—doesn’t want other women around their daughter. His aunt moved in and she is a good Christian woman who doesn’t approve of sex outside of marriage. We have to respect that and I can’t be around her anyway because she hates me because I am white. I hear she is horrible, even stealing from her own family.
I was ready to break up last fall and he said racing was almost over and we could spend more time together on the weekends, but if he wasn’t working he was sick. He doesn’t want me at the track because it’s a guy thing. He won’t come to my house because he is too tired, and I live with family, and he uncomfortable because he is black, and whatever. I know he does work hard and he is tired and I know his family is difficult, but I think it is all just so much BS.
I love him but I am tired of being alone. He knows it, and he admits it is a problem. It is the only thing we fight about, and we fight all the time. I got so mad this week because he said work would be slowing down soon and I said good, we can spend more time together and he said not with my attitude. I said if you have to make up excuses to not see me then just say so and we can end it now. I haven’t seen him in over a month. He took off Friday and is spending the weekend at the track and I know I won’t even hear from him. We have a joint checking and his phone is in my name and I am so ready to close the account and turn off the phone. To make it worse, he owes me money and I just feel used.
So why am I so stupid that I even have to ask you?

Theresa

Dear Theresa,

It’s time to take out the garbage. I don’t have to tell you that this man makes you a very low priority. Everything is more important, including going to the track and racing. I see other women around him, and I sense his dishonesty. The fact that you never see him makes his feelings very clear, and you deserve better.

First of all, I would close all accounts that you share with him. While I don’t see him paying you what he owes you, you can cut your losses and keep matters from becoming worse. Make certain that any debt between you is paid off, then move on.

This man ceased to be a boyfriend to you a long time ago. While keeping him around in name and spirit may help you to feel less alone, I recommend that you dump this loser as soon as possible. His lack of respect for you has become second nature, so it’s time for you to remember who you are and celebrate all of the wonderful qualities you’ve forgotten you have.

Start by writing yourself a love letter, and list the qualities that you love about yourself. If you can’t remember what makes you special, ask your friends and family to remind you. You are special Theresa, but you must respect your own worth. Only then will you attract a partner worthy of you. Good luck!

Diane

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Dear Diane, 

I have several things going on. Is it possible to have a klutz button that is stuck? I seem to be dropping stuff a lot. It seems like everywhere I go nobody can get my orders right. I am very loud and plain spoken. So I don’t see the problem. I don’t hear very well so don’t know if they are repeating back to me what I am saying on these speakers in drive through lanes. Do I need a clearing or what? Thanks so much. This is annoying to say the least.

JW

Dear JW, 

I feel you need to have your hearing evaluated again, as more correction is possible. I pick up that you sometimes speak more loudly than you know, and some people feel intimidated by this. Hearing problems can connect with many other issues, including balance problems connected to the inner ear.

I see you going through a period of uncertainty, and your energy is indeed out of balance. Try starting each day with a few minutes of simple meditation, focusing on connecting to the feelings in your body. Ground yourself by imagining a set of roots reaching through your feet and into the ground. If you have trouble with this, keep practicing, as I see it being helpful.

Diane

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Dear Diane, 

I lost a figurine that belonged to my grandmother, and it’s making me crazy! She bought it during the Second World War, so it is quite old. Did someone swipe it? Was it lost in a move? I just need to know if I’ll ever see it again. Help!

Andrea

Dear Andrea,

Good news on this one! I see you repacking boxes before your move, and you will find the figurine in a box that also has glassware in it. Be certain to unwrap every piece, and you will find it. I love it when things turn out well!

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