Dear Diane Column — September 11, 2011

Dear Diane,

In the 70’s I met my Prince Charming…he literally took my breath away. I dated him for a while, and then as fate would have it, he remarried his ex wife. My heart was broken. Thirty seven years later, through fate again, we reconnected. This time he married me, and it ended up being the worst experience of my life. We divorced after 7 years, but he still is in my life. I have a connection to him that I cannot seem to break. It is as if he has an invisible hold on me, a control. Do you think it is possible for two people to be connected in a spiritual way that defies all logic & reason? I know I need to distance myself from him and I can’t seem to do that, even though he is dishonest with me about many things. I sense that he is seeing other women.

Thank you, M. B.

Dear M.B,

I absolutely believe that we have ties with certain people that go way beyond logic and reason. I’ve had people in my life that had serious character flaws, and common sense never entered into the fact that I continued to adore these companions. The fact that you see your “prince’s” flaws so clearly is a wonderful sign. Love is not based on another’s perfection, and it sounds as though you love him in spite of not always liking who he is.
The most important thing to examine is whether continuing to have him in your life is a healthy and loving thing for you to do for yourself. You deserve to have a relationship that brings out the best in you, but only you can make that choice. There are so many lessons to learn from a situation such as this, and sometimes I believe that we cross paths in order to teach one another these lessons.
Think about what qualities his presence brings to your life. These may be clues to what is missing in your own “big picture.” I have a friend who is very serious and studious, and has a hard time letting go of stress. She seems consistently attracted to men who are wild, irresponsible and flaky. While these men bring a sense of fun that her life lacks, she usually ends up frustrated that these fellows are not responsible to the relationship. Having a life that is out of balance will usually affect someone’s choice of partner.
While understanding your own feelings is a start, it may take professional help to release this pattern and begin to nurture yourself. Start by trying to develop some of the missing pieces in your own experience. This relationship can be an excellent tool for examining what is important in making you happy. If you get stuck, don’t be afraid to contact a qualified therapist. There is a goldmine of knowledge here, and they can help you to dig. Good luck!

Diane
___________________________

Dear Diane,

About a year ago, my friend and I met this man at a party. I made it very clear to her that I was interested in him, and I asked her to help me get to know him. You guessed it- he wanted her and not me. I’ve tried not to let it bother me, as I know things just sort of happened. Recently they announced that they are getting married. I’m expected to be a bridesmaid, but I’m feeling cheated and angry. I know that it sounds like a bratty child, but I resent going to their wedding. It’s like watching her get to have the life I was supposed to have. We have been friends since second grade, and she’s always been there for me, so I don’t want to lose this friendship. How can I get past these feelings?

Andrea

Dear Andrea,

Please know that you have a right to feel frustrated. Anyone would be a bit uncomfortable under these circumstances. The fact that you are putting the friendship first says a lot about your maturity and character.
Your happiness is important. While I feel that this couple was meant to be together in this life, it’s natural to wonder if you will find the same joy someday. It’s fine to be happy for your friend while still experiencing frustration for yourself.
As for the future, I see you meeting someone in about a year. I get a possible “T” initial, and I assure you that once the two of you are in a relationship, you will be very glad that you waited for him.
As for being a bridesmaid, go ahead and be a part of the festivities. You will not regret it, and your friend will return the favor someday. Have fun!

Diane
___________________________

Dear Diane, 

I can’t be certain, but I think that my neighbor is stealing my mail. I subscribe to several magazines, and while the postal carrier says he delivers them, I’m always missing issues. I’m sick of this, but I don’t want to cause a problem by making accusations. Am I right about who it is? What should I do?

C. P.

Dear C.P, 

While you could get a lock for your mailbox and give a key to the carrier, I don’t think  this will be necessary. I sense that your neighbor is indeed taking the magazines. The next time you run into her, let her know that you are very concerned about neighborhood mail thefts and are thinking of placing a hidden camera to trap the culprit. Remind her that mail theft is a serious crime, and I see her staying out of mailboxes for a while. If you have a neighborhood watch group, mention your “losses” without making accusations. With all eyes on the mailboxes, the activity will stop.
I see this woman moving in with her daughter soon, so in time things will be back to normal.

Diane

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